Advice For Building Teen Self Esteem
Low esteem is one of the most critical issues facing teenagers in America. Having a negative self-image has been inextricably linked to suicide, drug abuse, alcoholism, eating disorders, unhealthy relationships and involvement in crime. "At some time in our lives, each of us struggles with low self-esteem. We feel like we're ugly, too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall and just not good enough," explains Betty Hoeffner, president and founder of the teen confidence building nonprofit organization, www.heyugly.org. "Teens are in dire need of a safe environment to learn how to respect and value themselves as unique gifted and lovable youth." There are many things parents can do to help with building teen self esteem.
"The way we parent matters," explains Po Bronson, co-author of the groundbreaking book Nurtureshock, which posits that our whole approach to building teen self esteem has been misguided. "Offering praise has become a sort of panacea for the anxieties of modern parenting," Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman write in their book. "Out of our children's lives from breakfast to dinner, we turn it up a notch when we get home. In those few hours together, we want them to hear the things we can't say during the day, such as we are in your corner, we are here for you, we believe in you. In a similar way, we put our children in high-pressure environments, seeking out the best schools we can find, and then using constant praise to soften the intensity of those environments. We expect so much of them, but we hide our expectations behind constant glowing praise. Eventually, in my final stage of praise withdrawal, I realized that not telling my son he was smart meant I was leaving it up to him to make his own conclusion about his intelligence. Jumping in with praise is like jumping in too soon with the answer to a homework problem—it robs him of the chance to make the deduction himself." Since teenagers are so independent, parents are better off praising their kids' study habits and efforts more than their achievements to inspire them to work harder.
Dr. Robert Cloninger, a researcher at Washington University in St. Louis, says the problem with many parents today is that they tend to over-saturate their children with praise and compliments unconditionally, which does little for building self esteem. "A person who grows up getting too frequent rewards will not have persistence, because they'll quit when the rewards disappear," he explains. "The key is intermittent reinforcement." While studying the brains of mice and rats, he observed that the animals who weren't rewarded every time they got to the finish tried harder in future challenges. A neural pathway in the prefrontal cortex and ventral striatum intervenes when there's a lack of immediate reward, he says, which reminds the brain to keep trying because there's a dopamine reward on the horizon. It's difficult for parents to learn how to improve low self esteem with their children, but they must be careful not to over-inflate a child's ego. While praising everything a child does up until age 7 may prove encouraging, kids -- and teens, in particular -- begin to question their parents' motives in the face of failure and suspect that teachers are only praising the least intelligent kids to push them to try harder.
Parents can pass down many skills that will be helpful for teen self esteem. For instance, a smile or a hug will often lighten up a teen's mood. Instruct teens to stand with good posture, make eye contact and act boldly even when they feel a little timid. Emphasize the fact that "nobody's perfect" and that everyone feels insecure sometimes. However, they can learn how to improve self confidence by breaking from that nay-saying voice in their head and doing their best. Show them how time management and being prepared can cut down on stress and improve academic performance. Teens must have priorities and put school first, but they should also have hobbies, activities and interests outside of school that they are passionate about -- whether it be sports, a musical instrument or a special club. These activities help children discover their talents on their own, which is much more psychologically rewarding than any praise from teachers, parents or peers.
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Some Worthwhile Self Esteem Self Help Books
Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns M.D.
Why It's Important To Build Self Esteem
Improving and building esteem leads to so many thoughts, feelings and actions that are beneficial to your life. When you have high esteem, you feel worthy of happiness, love and respect. You will find it easier to make and achieve goals, state your desires and values, and obtain lasting happiness when you are self confident.
Low Self Esteem Effects and Outcomes
One of the most serious low self esteem effects is that it makes it impossible for an individual to live a healthy, happy and productive life. Psychologists have spent decades studying the role that poor esteem plays in a number of social ills. In some cases, people with low self-esteem resort to violence to assert their dominance, while other times people with low esteem become the victims of such violence.